An Intro to Queer Dirty Talk in 5 Easy Steps 

By Ajax Ammons

Initiating dirty talk can be difficult for the same reason that all communication can be difficult: it requires a certain amount of vulnerability to master. Then, even after mastering it, you’ll will need to adjust your approach based on your partner, their needs, and what you both want out of the experience. Because dirty talk in its simplest form is just that— acknowledging your wants and needs out loud. The more comfortable you become doing this, the more fluid your words will begin to sound. 

AI-generated image, courtesy of DeepAI.

Although dirty talk is somewhat universal, a few of the things you should consider with your queer partner include identity, gender-affirming language, and dysphoria. But don’t over complicate it! Ultimately, you should ask yourself and your partner(s) “what does everyone involved like and how can everyone be affirmed?”

Here are 5 suggestions to help you start filling that awkward silence!

  1. Relax and start small 

People might be interested in dirty talk for a medley of reasons, but the major underlying motivation is usually arousal. With this in mind, it’s important for you to go at a pace that keeps everyone turned on. Some questions you might want to ask yourself and your partner are: What level of emotional connection do we need to have to speak to each other in this way, if any? Are there any words or phrases that turn either of us off? Are there certain parts of your body or performance that you would rather me not comment on? What can I say that will make you feel sexy and seen? Do either of us prefer to speak in more dominant or submissive roles?

Once a safe communicative space is established, it’s okay to keep dipping your toes in to maintain authenticity. If you’re not ready to start speaking, consider reading or listening to erotica together. This can give each of you a framework to mimic later on.

Once you do feel ready to break the silence, try single word affirmations or explicits. A “Fuck!”  or “Yes!” can go a long way to let your partner know they’re moving in the right direction. If you aren’t quite bold enough to share your thoughts out loud, try your hand at spicing things up via text. Not only is it easier to be bold behind a screen, but it can be particularly helpful for long distance situations. I’m looking at you lesbians!

  1. Get in touch with your senses 

The foundation of all dirty talk is built off of being in touch with your senses— touch, sight, hearing, smell, and taste. Think of how each of the senses make you and your partner feel in the moment. Before foreplay begins you want to tell your partner how good they smell or how you love the way they look. During foreplay this might become more heightened, “I can’t wait to feel you inside me,” or “I want to hear you scream.” Being in touch with your senses is about being present in your body and giving honest feedback about what the experience is like for you.

  1. Narrate the encounter 

There are two types of narrators in bed: narrators who describe, and narrators who create.  Narrators that describe often lead with their mouths, telling their partner what they want or how they want it. For example, “I’m going to eat you slowly” or “I want it harder.” This can also look like prompting your partner to say what they want. This form of narration should allow you to explore your partner’s body as they experience it. As the encounter unfolds, so does the way you describe it.

Narrating in the form of creating, on the other hand, is all about imagination or untapped imagery. While on a more advanced level, this might look like roleplay or fantasy, it can also be a simple text that says, “I’m sliding your boxers off,” when you’re sitting at your office job. In this version of narrating, you are creating a scenario that is not necessarily in front of you, but which could be.

In queer relationships, you can use narration to help with dysphoria. Is your partner still waiting for their top or bottom surgery? Is reflecting on this future body in the present exciting for them to hear during sex? Consider incorporating it into your dirty talk.

  1. Transition with consent 

Consent should always be given freely before any intimate encounter but making it a part of different acts can add to the experience. After all, what’s hotter than giving your partner the space to enthusiastically participate? “Where do you like to be touched?”, “Talk to me about what you want.”

The most intuitive time to incorporate consent into your dirty talk is during transitions. Are you going to try something new that you want to run by your partner in the moment? Lean into the way you talk about it. Let it be something that adds to the experience instead of stalling it.

You can also use what we learned with narration to support how you transition with consent.  Describe the situation you are in and continue into describing where you want it to go, then look for their approval.

  1. Talk beyond words 

While dirty talk is often thought of as the words we exchange and emphasize, an important part of dirty talk is also wrapped up in the sounds we make and the way we move our body. A moan can do a lot to inform your partner you’re enjoying what they’re doing. The same with the arch

of your back. Communication comes to life with sound, tone, and movement. Isn’t all language really just sounds when you think about it? A moan can convey a lot.

That being said, you should learn to read not only your partner’s lips, but also their cues and body language. Are they losing enthusiasm? Has their tone changed? If you have said a phrase more than once, which one resonated more with them? What was different in this delivery?  Allow yourself to experience the storyline and affirmations you are verbalizing in your own body.

While applying these new tips to your sex life, keep in mind that communicating in the bedroom should extend beyond sex. Be sure to transition from dirty talk to positive affirmations as you and your partner move into aftercare. And above all, remember that good communication during sex is all about staying on the same page. One where everyone feels considered, sexy, and seen.

Ajax Ammons is a New York based writer and digital creative. Her work explores topics such as girlhood, queerness, and religion, often in the context of the American South. Her work has previously appeared in Grace the Table: An Exploration of Food and Civil Rights in Southern Folk Art. You can keep up with Ajax’s other works on Instagram/Tiktok, @ajaxammons.

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