We are entering a surrealist phase of personal technology and a surrealist period of history.
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You can simply scroll past — but please don’t overlook the importance of an independent queer press.
You can simply scroll past—but please don't overlook the importance of an independent queer press.
Time is now or never.
Queer voices disappear without independent journalism to amplify them.
We document what others won't touch.
We hold power to account when it threatens our communities.
This work exists only because you choose to fund it directly.
Donate over €25/month and receive our limited-edition tote bag — a badge of resistance, a statement that you stand for fearless journalism.
We are grateful!
Can't donate? Sharing our work helps more than you think
Any device you might imagine can be found online courtesy of an obscure Chinese factory, ready to be shipped out for a loved one’s holiday enjoyment: pocket-sized artificial-intelligence gizmos, in-home hologram machines, human-sized robot servants and a weird type of AI dildo.
We do not truly believe in Christmas, and the corporate invention of events makes people even more depressed in a period when they are told to be happy.
Still, if you find yourself in the impossible, terrible situation where you must purchase things to satisfy the desires of someone who is easily impressed by gifts, here is a small guide that will not destroy your budget or the environment completely.
For the Shower Aficionado: Sing-Along (Or Not) JBL Clip 4 Eco
A carabiner masquerading as a speaker—because why shouldn’t your audio accessory double as climbing gear you’ll never use? JBL’s Clip 4 Eco clips onto your gym bag, beach tote, or that canvas shopping bag from the farmer’s market, broadcasting your impeccable taste (Charli XCX, presumably) whilst virtue-signalling through recycled plastics. Waterproof enough to survive poolside DJ duties at Fire Island, that Ibiza circuit party you’re still recovering from, or shower concerts where we politely decline to imagine the choreography. Fifty words of justification for a speaker that costs less than brunch.
50€ on local Amazon
For the Romantic in the Dark: Emergency Radio
When Cuba, Portugal and Spain endured three-day blackouts, the humble radio became oracle and companion—the only thread connecting people to news, to each other, to proof the world still turned. An emergency radio with a built-in torch transforms disaster preparedness into something almost tender: a beacon in the darkness, a voice when the grid fails. Tell him it’s for safety. What you’re really saying is: I want you alive when everything else goes dark. Romance, it turns out, sometimes arrives in practical packaging—batteries included, hand-crank optional, ready to illuminate more than just the room. And you can say it’s a romantic gesture—you will be together till the end of the world. No matter that it’s a lie, it always sounds nice.
55€ on local Amazon
For the Sugar Twink: The Malle Chien Louis Vuitton Dog Trunk for Sugar Boys
If you’re bankrolling someone whose conversational depth rivals a puddle but whose abdominals could grate parmesan, Louis Vuitton understands your predicament. The Malle Chien—a dog trunk, because of course—signals serious intent. Books? Darling, he’ll leave you faster than you can say “Proust”. But monogrammed luxury for his Pomeranian? That’s commitment he understands. Shallow? Perhaps. Effective? Absolutely.
€49,000 at Louis Vuitton
For the Doctor Play: Crocs with Jibbitz
The Croc—that perforated rubber abomination your podiatrist secretly endorses—has somehow survived ridicule to become queer footwear royalty. Add Jibbitz (those little charm things that clip into the holes; yes, they have a name) and you’ve transformed medical equipment into self-expression. A tiny rainbow here, a mushroom there, perhaps a tasteful Shrek. It’s like refrigerator magnets for your feet, announcing to the world: I’ve transcended caring what you think about my footwear choices. Comfortable? Absolutely. Chic? That’s not really the question anymore, is it? Perfect for the gym, the garden, or that Sunday morning chemist run still wearing last night’s eyeliner.
50-70€ at local Crocs
For Resistance Boys: Apple 11 Watch with Freedom Band
The Apple Watch: because nothing says “I care about my health” quite like a tiny computer monitoring your every heartbeat whilst simultaneously delivering the anxiety-inducing notifications that elevate it. Add the Freedom Band—Apple’s sustainable braided option made from recycled yarn—and you’ve achieved peak performative wellness. It tracks your steps to the gym, your sleep after too many espressos, and that elevated heart rate when he finally texts back. Pair it with matching Freedom Band colours for your various moods: serene beige for therapy days, bold orange for circuit party recovery. Your wrist becomes a dashboard of self-optimisation, beautifully colour-coordinated, relentlessly judging your life choices.
429€ at the local Apple Store
For AI Fans: Echo Dot Max with Alexa
Amazon’s listening device, now in sustainable packaging, because surveillance capitalism has gone green. The Echo Dot perches innocuously on your nightstand, a compact orb ready to dim the lights, queue up your breakup playlist, or order more oat milk whilst you’re still in your dressing gown. “Alexa, am I having a moment?” you’ll ask at 3 a.m., and she’ll politely pretend not to judge. Perfect for the lazy homosexual who can’t be bothered to locate the light switch or the remote. Yes, Jeff Bezos probably knows your Grindr habits now, but at least the box is recyclable. Small mercies in our dystopian smart-home future.
90€ at local Amazon
For the Communitarian: A Donation Voucher for GAY45
Nothing says “I love you, but I’m skint” quite like philanthropy in someone else’s name. A donation voucher to GAY45—because apparently queer magazines are an endangered species now, teetering on the brink whilst everyone doomscrolls Instagram instead. It’s the gift that says: “I care about independent queer media and also couldn’t be arsed to go shopping.” Your beloved gets a lovely certificate (frameable!), GAY45 gets to publish another issue, and you get to feel morally superior at dinner parties. “Oh, we don’t do material gifts anymore—we invest in community.” Smug? Absolutely. Broke? Possibly. But darling, it’s the thought that counts, and you’ve officially out-woked everyone else at the table.
50€ at GAY45.eu
For Everybody: AI-Controlled Butt Plug with Patterns Lovense Edge 2
Technology has truly arrived when artificial intelligence takes an interest in your posterior. The Hush 2—available in whatever size suits your aspirations—is 100% silicone, waterproof (shower-safe, obviously), app-controlled, and discreet enough for a Tesco run, should you be feeling adventurous. It’s wearable technology taken to its logical, if slightly unhinged, conclusion. Programme patterns, sync to music, or let the algorithm decide your pleasure—because why should humans make all the decisions? “Alexa, I’m bored” has never had quite these implications. It’s the gift that says: “I trust you with Bluetooth access to my most intimate moments.” Romance in the digital age, darling. Your phone battery and your dignity, equally drained by morning.
140€ at Lovense.com
Money
Perhaps this is heresy in the season of giving, but the entire gift economy baffles me. Whatever arrives wrapped in festive paper invariably represents something I would never purchase for myself—which, I’m told, is rather the point? But why should I treasure the thing I didn’t want over the thing I did? Worse still are the “personal” gifts: that obscure vinyl you mentioned once whilst drunk, or something vaguely connected to your interests, like buying a marine biologist a decorative starfish. We’re all desperate to prove we’ve been paying attention, to demonstrate our encyclopaedic knowledge of one another’s souls. Alas, human beings are bottomless wells of contradiction and caprice. We remain, fundamentally, mysteries even to ourselves.
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